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http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Geologist

Þetta er mega fyndið.... (og rétt að mörgu leyti).

• Geologists are 'scientists' with an unnatural obsession with rocks and alcohol. Often too intelligent to do monotonous sciences like biology, chemistry, or physics, geologists devote their time to mud-worrying, volcano spotting, fault poking, bouldering, dust-collecting, and high-risk colouring.

• One of the main difficulties in communicating with geologists is their belief that a million years is a short amount of time and their heads are harder than rocks.

• Geologists are in general apolitical as they feel Democrats and Republicans are just further proof in the slowness of evolutionary processes. Also, they tend to not give a shit about hot political topics, such as anthropogenic climate change, since each one of them can name at least 20 other geologic events that are going to wipe our asses out way before sea levels rise and increased hurricane activity bother us.

• They also see how wrong Hollywood is in all portrayals of geology in particular and science in general, in the movies and on Fox News. In summary, when it comes to politics they just don't give a shit. They would rather be hiking in a desert looking at beach sand that happened 200 million years ago.

• Geologists in the movies are nothing like the real thing. For example, in a volcanic eruption or major earthquake, no geologist is going to give a rat's ass about rescuing a dog even if it does belong to the romantic interest's children. He or she will be far more concerned about the mineralogy of the ash falling from the sky, the viscosity of the lava flow and its movement across the substrate (which may or may not include a village). Apparently immune to the asphyxiating effect of the ash as it turns normal lungs to stone, the geologist will happily jump around lava fields with a camera trying to get a good photo of a lava tube.

• Geologists are ice-age cool, although they typically do not look like James Bond, being altogether too filthy to ever pass for a suave Englishman. There has been one accurate portrayal of a geologist in a B-rate movie, however. In "Trek of the Moon Beast", the mineralogist turned into a flesh-eating monster at night. It is thought that this may be a common occurrence among mineralogists. However, it is a well-established fact that field geologists are magma-hot. This is not well known because field geologists tend to stay in the field most of the time, where only other field geologists get to see how hot they are.

• Another excellent portrayal of a geologist is in the Hollywood blockbuster 'The Core'.To administer explosives they use a craft made from Unobtanium, an alloy which is scarcely believable, ahem, available I meant to say.

• For eons, animosity has existed between those folk who understand what an eon is and those who need help tying their bootlaces before a day in the field.Final defeat came at the blood-soaked Battle of Roger Moor (similar to Marston Moor, but a bit smoother, and orange) where the geographers were ignominiously routed owing to the superior firepower of the geologists' flint-lock machine guns (but lets face it, any weapon with a rock integral to its design was always going to terrify the pants off a geographer).

• Geologists, secure in their vague estimates have forever conflicted with engineers and their need for a definitive, quantifiable answer since the building of the pyramids. The ancient Egyptian engineers had determined that the Great Pyramid would require 6961105709.356732519874886510 metric tons of stone blocks to construct. The ancient Egyptian geologists yawned and disagreed. When it turned out that only 6961105709.356732519874886509 metric tons were required, the geologists sneered and said, "I told you your calculations were wrong." The geologists, having been proven correct and superior, have been envied by engineers since that fateful day. To this day, the distinction betwen the two is quite simple, an engineer is a geologist with his brains knocked out.

• To spot a geologist in the wild, look for:

• Hand-lens, compass, pen-knife, handcuffs etc. tied round neck with string.

• Takes photos, includes people only for scale, and has more pictures of rock hammer and lens cap than of his family.

• Someone whose child is trained to know the geologic timescale before being able to walk.

• Someone who considers a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred million years.

• Someone who licks and/or scratches & sniffs rocks or in case of china clay will eat it to prove its perfectly safe.

• Someone who eats dirt and claims to be "getting an estimate of grain size".

• Someone who will willingly cross an eight-lane interstate on foot to determine if the outcrops are the same on both sides.

• Someone who can pronounce the word molybdenite correctly on the first try.

• Someone who says "this will make a nice Christmas gift" while out rock collecting.

They look at scenery and tell you how it formed

• Pockets tend to be filled with bits of rock.

• Almost crashes his/her car looking at road cuts while driving.

• Someone who knows the phylum, kingdom, and genus of every ancient creature lodged in stone, some of which look nothing like an animal, but can't remember his mother's, or his wife's, birthday.

• Can identify the chemical formula for Cummingtonite...and chuckles like a junior-high kid every time.

• Someone who walks out of a bathroom and asks if you noticed the fossils in the stall dividers.

• Someone who rocks the party and is the schist everywhere they go.

• A person who can say, "Gneiss Cleavage" or talks about slaty cleavage and means it in a non-derogatory sense.

• Someone who takes special interest in your granite countertops in the kitchen and after a few minutes will even produce handlenses before giving other guests an igneous petrology lesson.

• If you remain unsure, ask the subject to draw an annotated diagram of a trilobite. A true geologist will immediately reach for their waterproof notebook - this is your opportunity for escape.